Trouble Shared is Trouble Relieved
By Suzanne Tipton Offner, M.S.

We’re learning a lot these days about how to think positively and how to attract the success we desire. These are very important skills for developing ourselves and our businesses, but there are some real downfalls if applied improperly. Sometimes we focus so hard on thinking positively that we are tempted to keep our troubles to ourselves. Focusing on the positive, however, does not mean ignoring the negative! In fact, it’s one of the biggest mistakes people make when using Positive Thinking as a tool for growth.

I am subject to this kind of thinking myself. I have spent many years trying to keep up a good front. I found out one important thing in the process, though. Trying to keep a “stiff upper lip” is tiring and a huge waste of time! I find it so prevalent when working with clients in my coaching practice that I’ve outlined the 3 biggest mistakes most people make in this area.

1. Promoting Success vs. Hiding Failure
It is just sooooo tempting to hide what isn’t working because we want other people to think we’ve got it all handled. We think “Why would they buy from my business, donate to my charity, or use my services if they think I’m plagued with troubles? Best to just let them see all my victories, and hide my problems.” The mistaken thinking is this: everybody knows you have problems. How? Because you are human, just like them.

When you pretend you don’t, you lose your authenticity--you become fake. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but in the end, nobody wants to do business with a fake. When you ‘fess up and let people know your challenges, then you become real. People do business with people they like, and people who are like them. So go ahead and promote your success, but don’t be afraid to climb off your pedestal and be real about your challenges, too.

2. Complaining vs. Dealing with Problems
We don’t want to complain or be a bother. We think it is somehow a burden to the other person to share our troubles. That’s true--if all you are doing is complaining and moaning, or apologizing all the time. Don’t be a drag. No one is interested in your problems if you aren’t going to deal with them!

However, if you are willing to share your troubles as part of the process of dealing with them, that is actually a great service to the other person. Don’t you feel great when you get to help someone? They do, too. Don’t cheat them out of the opportunity to contribute to you. They will probably learn something from your challenge. You can undoubtedly learn something valuable from others.

The funniest part is that when you share your troubles out loud, they never seem as horrible as they do when they are bouncing around the inside of your skull. Just telling someone else can help you relax and clarify the situation, even if they don’t have any useful advice. It is humbling and scary sometimes, but taking the risk to share with someone trustworthy almost always pays off big.

3. “Problems are Shameful” vs. “Problems are Natural”
This comes from a particular kind of thinking. It comes from the mistaken idea that we shouldn’t have any problems. One day, if we are good enough, smart enough, work hard enough, and earn enough, we won’t have any problems. Ha! The problems never go away. In fact, as any successful person can tell you, problems can get bigger with success.

In fact, some people say the recipe for an extraordinary life is to find a great problem that is worth devoting your life too. Martin Luther King Jr. had a great problem—he wanted to see equality for all people, regardless of their skin color. That was a problem he shared with others, and together they made a difference. Life comes with problems. The interesting question to ask your self is, “What am I doing with my problems?”

We are in this game together. Life is a team sport. When I help you and you help me, we can move forward toward our goals. What distinguishes successful people from unsuccessful people is not their lack of problems--it’s how they handle their problems. Successful people do NOT handle all their problems on their own. They reach out to the people in their community for support. That’s WHY they’re successful!

Suzanne Tipton Offner is a Master Coach and a Trainer with Primeco Consulting, a national business consulting and personal coaching company based in San Diego, CA. You can contact Suzanne at suzanne@primecoconsulting.com.